A Wolf in Alien's Clothing
The fifth episode of season three, and a great one! Enjoy! Script *(Rack and US are inside Town Hall.) *'Rack': Hey US! How are you- *'US': Ah, I'm so macho. (a fly comes, and US squishes it with one hand immediately) Didn't even see it coming.. Dep, can you get my purple mug with grape juice? *'Dep. Mayor': No. *'US': What's your deal, skirt? *'Dep. Mayor': It's my time of the month, okay?! *(Dep. Mayor runs away.) *'US': Women. Oh, hey, Raclk. Didn't see you there. *'Rack': US, that wasn't very nice. He's been doing a great job since quitting his skirt wearing addiction! *'US': Raclk, Raclk, Raclk. You're too nice. Remember what happened when those aliens came? *(A flashback appears; Two stereotypical aliens are knocking on Rack's door; Rack answers it.) *'Alien #1': Take us to your leader. *'Rack': Well okay. I can do that. I'll just sign up for a reservation to visit the White House. It's gonna take about six months and there's a good chance something will happen that will result in that reservation being canceled at some point or denied altogether. Okay? *'Alien #2': Forget these humans. Hey, I heard Mars has the galaxy's largest hoverboarding range. *'Alien #1': Let's go! *(The flashback ends; we're now back to the present.) *'Rack': I just wanted to welcome them- *'US': Raclk, I'm your leader! Not that silly bearded guy with the tall hat from the bright house brigade! *'Rack': You mean Lincoln? He died. *'US': OMG really?! Good, at least there's no one to challenge me now. *'Rack': Um... a new President has taken over, twenty-eight times actually. *'US': What? How? *'Rack': Elections usually. Sometimes disease and crazy people too. *'US': E-lec-tion? *(NH suddenly barges into Town Hall.) *'NH': Excuse me, my supersonic hearing heard this convo. But anyway, what does it matter? I'll rule you all soon enough. *'US': But you already did that once, remember? *'NH': Darn it, reset button didn't work that time. *'US': Wait a sec..... wanting to rule Earth, calling us humans, suddenly barged in with something he's never really had before, has a weird voice.... NY... is... an.... alien! *'NH': (jokingly): Yeah, I just ripped this skin off from some random wolf. Very comfy. *'US': See Raclk?! He admitted! NY.... is... an.... alien! *'Rack': You're right, he is! *'NH': (facepalms): I've got to stop joking like that.... now, if you excuse me, this wolf, mind you, is going to get away from you hu- *(A "zipper" on NH is getting loose.) *'NH': Ugh, I hate it when this happens! How can a wolf live with this?! *(NH zips it up and leaves.) *'US': Did you see that, Raclk?! *'Rack': I sure did! Let's spy on him so we can see who he really is! *'US': Ooh, stalking. Perfect! *(A montage plays of Rack and US spying on NH and observing his behavior.) *'NH': Now that that pointless montage filler is over, I can relax. *(Rack and US jump out of a bush.) *'NH': I knew you two were following me. What do you want?! *'US': Come on, alien, tell us! Are you an alien? What's your home planet? Why are you here on planet Earth? Tell us, Mr. Zipper-thingy! *'Rack': Yeah, "alienie", I thought you were my doggie, but, (tear shedding) I guess not! *'NH': (jokingly): Oh, perhaps you're looking for Old Man! He's from Nostalgica! *(NH suddenly grabs Old Man out of nowhere and runs.) *'Old Man': Wha? I was just eatin' my prune cereal! You kids today and your teleportin' nonsense! Ruinin' our privacy! You're like the Life Alert people! Never leavin' me alo- (Old Man holds his stomach) Gotta go! Need to use a bush and old corn bye! *(Old Man fast walks away.) *'Rack': Ew... *'US': Regardless that guy's grotesqueness, he has a point about the teleporting. Write it down, Raclk! *(Cut to NH, who is panting from running.) *'NH': I need these humans to stop following me. Rig! *(Rig pops up from NH's mouth.) *'NH': (muffled): How did you get in there?! *'Rig': I was wondering if you were an alien. You really need to floss more. *(Rig flosses NH's teeth.) *'NH': (muffled): Enough! *(NH throws Rig out of his mouth.) *'NH': Oh, I get it. You all think I'm an alien. Whatever. I don't need any of you! (zipper goes down) Darn it! Stop ruining my rants, metal-plastic-velcro thingy that's supposed to be helpful but causes me grief! *(NH walks away, with the top of the zipper falling down.) *'US': Alien! *'NH': (voice only): Wolf! *(Cut to NH alone, outside in the woods.) *'NH': Ah, it's so hot today. (NH feels his fur on his forehead to wipe off sweat; the large clump falls off) *(Rack and US are hiding in a bush.) *'US': See Raclk?! His skin's starting to wear off and he's gonna reveal his true form! *'Rack': I'm gonna write this down! *(Cut to NH in Rack's house.) *'US': What sex are you, alien? *'NH': No thanks, I don't do that stuff. *'US': (rolls eyes): No, I mean, what gender are you? *'NH': Find out yourself. *(US stares at NH's crotch (the crotch being obscured by US, of course)).) *'Rack': Uh, do you know what it is now? *'US': In a minute..... *'NH': (looks at nonexistent watch): Yeah...... I've got things to do, so... *'US': No! *'Rack': Any minute now or.... *'US': I'm almost done, okay?! *'NH': (jokingly): Jeez, maybe I should start wearing clothes. *(US finally gets up.) *'US': No! Stay like that! That's too glorious to conceal! *'NH': Um.... thanks? Now, if you excuse me, I'm gonna go somewhere where people aren't violating my personal space... literally. *(NH walks away.) *'US': Hey, Raclk, can I- *(Rack runs away, screaming.) *'US': -Borrow your clipboard. *(Cut to NH relaxing in a red robe, wearing reading glasses, having a pipe that blows bubbles and a newspaper.) *'US': You're gonna wear clothes now? Aw.... *'NH': No, you buffoon! I wore this robe in episode 3, remember? Plus, I can still feel the breeze. (winks) *'US': No fair! I wasn't in that episode! *'NH': Yeah, it's a shame you weren't truly killed off. *'Rack': Oh, yeah, he wore it also in episode 4.1. *'US': Wha? Four point one? That's not a number, silly Raclk. *'Rack': No, I mean the first ever SOR segment. *'NH': Yeah, that sucked. *'Rack': Hey! At least I succeeded in mine while you didn't in yours! *'US': Anyway, before the fans grow tired of us talking about old episodes... *'Rack': You mean over there? *(Rack points to literal fans, blowing.) *'US': (rolls eyes): Before this becomes repetitive..... why are you suddenly wearing it now if you haven't in ages? *'NH': Well, something happened one day. *(A flashback begins.) *'US': (voice only): Oh, come on! *'NH': (wearing robe): Good morning, Rack! I made you breakfast! I didn't know what you wanted so I made you all the stereotypical breakfast meals! I also got the pulp out of your orange juice and also squeezed the oranges myself! (touches Rack's nose) Boop. *(NH walks away.) *'Rack': ........Who was that and what have they done with my dog? *(Flashback ends.) *'NH': Now, if you excuse me, I have a job to attend to. *(NH walks away.) *'US': NY has a job? NY never had a job before... stalk tiiiiiiime! *(Cut to NH working at a fast food place.) *'NH': (wearing fast food hat): Ugh, how can humans eat this slop? Hm. *(NH tries a taste of the deep fryer.) *'NH': Blegh! *'Drive-Thru Person': Hey, fresh meat! Don't taint the fryer! Now we gotta get a fresh batch. *'NH': Sorry, sorry! *'Drive-Thru Person': Look here, smartbutt. Now, I, the worker going through puberty, am now manager of this here joint, you're gonna follow what I say, got it?! *'NH': Yes, sir! *'Drive-Thru Person': Be grateful! Otherwise, I'm gonna make you start wearing clothes if you screw up again! *'NH': Y-yes, sir. *'Drive-Thru Person': Good. *(NH is snickering about the manager's voice behind his back; The manager looks at him, thinking he heard something, but NH stops snickering; once the manager leaves, NH continues it.) *(Rack and US are in front of the drive thru, spying on NH; honking is heard in the background.) *'US': Alien! Everyone on Earth loves grease! *'Rack': We should keep investigating.... plus people are getting antsy. *(A chainsaw is thrown.) *(Cut to NH feeding squirrels.) *'Rig': Now, remember, you're recovering.... *'NH': (has an acorn): Here.... you..... go..... Jimmy. *(Jimmy hugs him and gnaws on an acorn.) *'Rig': Yay! You beat your addiction! *'NH': I think I died inside. *(Rack and US are hiding in a tree.) *'Rack': Wow, NH quit eating squirrels?! *'US': Alien. *(Cut to NH trimming his toenails.) *'NH': About time I trimmed these bad boys! *(Rack and US are, amazingly, hiding in a lamp.) *'Rack': Wow, last time he tried trimming them, he was bleeding! Uh.... US? *'US': Lamp...... I love lamp.... *(Cut to NH looking at his tail.) *'NH': Oh, hey parasite. *(Rack and US are spying from a window in Rack's home.) *'Rack': No way! He always chases his tail! *(Cut to NH, with, surprisingly shiny teeth.) *'Rack': Wow, your teeth aren't green?! *'NH': So? *'US': (whispers to Rack): Alien. *(Cut to NH with a radio.) *'NH': Ygydveuuuuuuuuuuugk. Tdgvd fgdeuwgk. Cygfvvuk. *(Rack and US are hiding behind his lab door.) *'Rack': He's not even speaking English anymore... *'US': Oh no! Raclkkkkkkk! He's in the final stages of his transformation! *'Rack': You're right! We gotta keep researching! *'NH': Ggydduk? *(Rack and US scream, running away.) *(Cut to NH at the park; an unidentified flying object passes by.) *'NH': Hello there, brethren! *(Rack and US are spying on top of a house.) *'US': UFO! UFO! Alien! Alien senses kicking in! *'Rack': Ssh! He's gonna hear- *'US': Aliens don't have ears! *'NH': (voice only): I can hear you with my supersonic hearing... *'US': Darn him and whoever that attractive wolf's ears were! *(NH points at a planet a-la "E.T.: The Extraterrestrial".) *'US': That's it! We gotta stop him! *(Rack is yanked by US and they both jump down.) *'US': Look, extraterrestrial, we know who you truly are! *'Rack': Yeah! We got proof! *'NH': Oh, you guys still think I'm an alien? *(NH laughs hard.) *'US': You're not gonna pass it off as a joke! Raclk and me saw everything! *'Rack': Rack and I. *'US': Stop judging me! *'NH': Oh, am I? Okay then, show me this "proof", but I have a feeling it's gonna pretty much spoonfeed everyone what's already happened. *'US': Don't ruin it! *'Rack': Well, for starters, what about that zipper? *'NH': Ugh, don't remind me about that! Thanks to yet another error by Rig, that part of my fur's gone and now I need a stupid zipper! *'Rig': (pops up out of nowhere): Guilty as charged! *'NH': Rig! Where were you most of this episode? *'Rig': I was gettin' mah makeup from the dump. I gotta look "purdy". *'NH': (sniffs): Yes, your demented version of "pretty". *'US': Okay, but how did you teleport that gross old dude we hang out with? *'NH': Cartoon logic. Very handy. *'Rack': Oh, yeah? Well explain your fur falling off! *'NH': Did you idiots happen to know that it's shedding season for us wolves?! *(More fur falls off.) *'Rack': Oh.... *'US': You look better with fur on, NY. So what's with the robe?! You've always hated clothes! *'NH': (wearing it): I explained that one already! What, I can't relax? I can't preserve modesty once in a while? Fine! (rips his robe into pieces, now truly nude) Are you happy now? *'US': ......Yes..... *'Rack': ........Anyway, since when did you have a job? *'NH': You never asked. Plus, how on Earth- *'US': Alien. *'NH': .......How on Earth could you think I could afford all that without any money? *'Rig': He gets most of it at the dump. *'NH': Rig! That was suppose to be a secret! *'Rig': Too late for that, don't ya think? *'NH': .......Anyway, I use the money to either fix those up (looks at Rig) and, if I save up enough, buy ones straight from the store. *'Rack': How can you buy that so quickly? They must cost a fortune. *'NH': I take some money from your wallet. *'Rack': I knew it! *'US': How did you quit eating squirrels? *'NH': Wha? I didn't quit! *'Rig': B-but I thought you were recovering and ended it by feeding Jimmy. *'NH': (laughing): Kids. Listen, I was kidding. You guys seriously need to learn jokes. When you weren't looking, I ate your precious Jimmy. He was very salty, just the way I like them! *'Rig': Jimmy! *'NH': What else? *'Rack': What about trimming your toes?! You couldn't do that before! *'NH': Jeez, I can't have at least a little hygiene? *'US': Fine, but what about your tail? I thought you like to destroy that thing! *'NH': Eh, I just didn't feel like chasing it today. But now that you mention it.... *(NH howls while chasing his own tail.) *'Rack': What about your teeth? *'NH': (still chasing tail): Huh? (stops) Oh! Dentures. Me and Old Man wanted to trade teeth for a day. He wanted to be like George Washington and ranted about almost being President or whatever. Although I kinda regret making the trade... I don't wanna know what this black stuff was that he was chewing.... *(The four all shudder.) *'US': How about that gibberish you were saying to the radio? *'NH': Oh yeah! I was testing my ham radio I found at the store. I just like to speak in gibberish to see how it sounds when recorded. *'Rig': (muffled): And what a ripoff! It doesn't taste like ham at all! *'NH': ......Never mind. *'Rack': But hey, why were you waving at that UFO? *'NH': UFO....? Oh! That was a frisbee! *'US': .......So why were you waving at it? *'NH': Oh, that..... I guess that's my darn dog relatives kicking in... (rubs back of head, in embarrassment) *'US': Okay, I guess you have fair excuses for all of those, but why were you touching that planet drawing a couple minutes ago? You were clearly phoning home, ready to shed your wolf skin and go back home! *(NH falls down, laughing hard.) *'US': See? He's not denyin'! *'NH': (crying from laughing): Now, I admit, you don't see that every day, but all I was doing was cleaning a spec of it since Rig.... uh, had some constipation issues and that was where it landed. *'Rig': You can thank Old Man's prune cereal! *'Rack': Wow..... so, all of that.... wasn't alien stuff? *'NH': Nope. *'US': And... those.... all.... had... rather cartoon-esque explanations? *'NH': Yep. *'Rack': But.... how... impossible. *'NH': Welcome to the world of cartoons. *'US': So... wait.... that..... oh so very glorious.... thing is yours? *'NH': Yeah......? *'US': Marry me! *(Cut to Dep. Mayor hiding on the outside of the building, crying.) *'NH': Yeah, I'm just gonna go now... *'Rack': Okay, just making sure.... you're not an alien. *'NH': Nope. I do admit those are suspicious, but not an alien. I do like them, though. *'US': And you're a wolf, right? *'NH': Riiiiight..... well, it's been a long day with your stalking and such, so I'm gonna hit the hay. See ya later. *(NH walks away, yawning.) *'Rack': It's only 5:00. *'US': Wait! Come back, my love! *'Rig': Wanna play Go Fish? *'US': Sure, why not? *(Cut to NH preparing to go to bed on his web; only NH's shadow is seen here.) *'NH': (voice only, something drops down): Ah, finally! Now I can breathe! Those silly humans, thinking I'm an alien.... they'll never find out what I am. *(The shadow of NH maniacally laughs.) *'THE END....?'. Credits Starring *Rackliffelikespurple as Rack *New Heathera as NH *Utter solitude as US *Rigbybestie1510 as Rig *Dep. Mayor as Dep. Mayor *Old Man as Old Man *Drive-Thru Person as Drive-Thru Person *Aliens as Aliens *Squirrels as Squirrels *People at Drive-Thru as People at Drive-Thru Writing *Written by: New Heathera, Rackliffelikespurple and Kait Dunlap Thanks *To New Heathera, Utter solitude and Rigbybestie1510 for being the inspirations to the corresponding characters. *To Kait Dunlap for writing a fanon before she got hired as a staff writer and that inspired the "Where do you get the money?" part. Other I really love this one; I feel it's very creative and we all (well, mainly just me and NH XD) enjoyed writing it; as for whether NH is actually an alien or not, well, we'll see. ;) Thanks for reading! :D Category:Episodes